Life transitions are an integral part of the human experience. Every day we experience change – sometimes insignificant, like a pebble in the road, sometimes noteworthy, like a boulder. Then there are life transitions that make us wiser and stronger while grieving; these are the transitions that mirror mountains. One of the mountains many of us will face is becoming a Widow or Widower. While both losses are heart-breaking, it is Widows who face a rigorous climb when their spouse dies. This is a tender time and special care and attention is called to compassionately support women in grief.
You may be surprised to know these shocking statistics.
- There are 12 million widows in the US, nearly 1 million are added each year
- The average age a wife becomes widow is 59 (based on US census data)
- Half of women over 65 live 15 years longer after their spouse’s death
- 70% of Baby Boomers will outlive their husband
- 80% of women will be single at their death
- On average only 8% of widows age 55 – 64 will remarry
- By age 65, only 2% of widows remarry
- Conversely widowers remarry within 2 to 3 years
- Widowed females outnumber males
- Widows feel less secure about money than widowers
Myriad emotions surface as different stages of becoming a widow. Reports of the following are to be expected: numbness, lost, abandoned, identity crisis, angry, paralyzed, helpless, overwhelmed, forgetful, aimless, loneliness, vulnerable, pained, guilty, disoriented … to name a few.
These emotions move through specific states that widow, author and teacher on the subject, Kathleen Rehl, describes in her book, Moving Forward On Your Own. Three stages widows experience before reaching the transition from Widow to Independent Woman are 1) Taking care of me, 2) Taking care of business and 3) Taking care of more.
Taking care of me is a period to simply pause and breathe. Be with the grief and feelings that arise from loss. Do not make any big and irreversible decisions. Handle immediate money matters (settle estate, procure life insurance proceeds, ensure cash flow is available for living needs). Be aware of self-care and the need for kind attention and body touch/sensation, such as pedicures, massages, walks in nature, concerts, and fine chocolate!
Taking care of business evolves over time and there is no prescribed period when widows are ready for this stage. All of us are different. But when this period emerges, cognitive functions normalize and it is possible and prudent to begin to ground and balance in current reality. More attention to financial matters are possible with basic estate planning, investment asset reviews and review of income and expenses. Review beneficiary designations and become empowered with financial matters. This is a period to begin to review any issues that will help the widow to feel financially secure.
Taking care of more is the opening of grace and transformation where the widow sees the glimmer of being and independent woman. At this stage, more advanced planning is possible as a new life emerges. Typical areas to address are more complete estate plans and charitable intent, special family issues and a declaration of personal story, values, and legacy.
Advice for new widows: is simple. Don’t rush – create a decision free zone that includes these categories of decisions: Now, Soon, Later. In each of these categories list the decisions that need to be made during the period. Any other decisions can be postponed until another time.
All of us will be and/or know a widow. Conversations and care for this growing population are essential. At Colman Knight, we are dedicated to an integral transition process that uniquely supports women.
